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It's 1 a.m. in the morning.
Had the sudden urge to blog.
I've been feeling awful lately. Had been zoning out a lot. Feel like I'm physically there but my mind is elsewhere. Heart's feeling so heavy. It's stress that is causing me to feel this way.
I've been pushing my limits lately to complete my assg. But the night before, I think I overdid it. I should have rested. I wasnt feeling so good. It's hard to explain but i felt like I was suffocating. Suffocating from stress. My heart felt heavy and uneasy.
I told myself, "That's it for tonight, I'll lie down on my bed and relax. Keep my mind off the assg."
I did just that. I kept my mind off the assg. But I still felt uneasy. Almost like the inside of me felt so heavy. I could barely breathe. And then I was listening to this ONE song. All of a sudden, tears started welling up in my eyes and it flowed down my cheeks. I was NOT crying. The term cry has often been associated with the emotion of sadness or some other negative affects. I was well aware of my emotions. I wasnt feeling anything during that period of time. And those tears came flowing down without a reason.
I could assure that it wasnt the song lyrics that was touching because it was my second time playing that song for the night.
It wasnt tears of sadness or joy. I wasnt feeling sad or happy.
It wasnt the tears of stress. If it was, I would have cried for 7 days in a row given the massive stress that I have experienced for the past 7 days consecutively.
I don't know why I teared. I actually felt so much better after that. Almost like I have let go of a huge & heavy burden. It was like a short moment of empowerment.
I was just dumbfounded by what happened. It is difficult for me to comprehend those tears. I'm just like every human. I need an explanation for my behaviours.
But somehow, I ended up self-reflecting. And this was what I have gained.
I guess I have always seen myself as a very strong & hard person. I still am. But as I experience more of life, I start to see my vulnerable side much more clearly. I guess it was always there. Maybe I never noticed it. or maybe I could have hidden it. I've always thought of myself as quite heartless. I barely cry, even when I'm supposed to. Sometimes I would have to force myself to cry. Not because I want to, but I have to. It's just more appropriate to cry in such a context than not to.
You're probably thinking I've gone insane. What is she rambling on about? And what is the connection between those tears and your self-reflection? Maybe I have really gone insane from the stress REALLY. but when i thought about the last time I cried because I was really feeling sad and not because I have to, I felt those were truly genuine tears (excluding the ones I have cried for the dramas or movies I've watched. I'm talking about real stuff here). "Tears of sincerity", this phrase kept appearing in my mind.
I dont know how in the world is this linked to why I teared in the first place.
But it was tears of sincerity. Maybe it means something more. I dont know.
I'm outta here. Night.
SHE was here at 11:08 PM
